Hi,

I Somehow know how to start, but don't know how to go on.

I'm a 31 years old man (should I say boy? cause I am not married(.

I am Iranian, living in Tehran. I think I have nothing to say in my mother language - which is called Farsi, while I can think in English too much faster and easier, with more proper words and sentences.

While thinking in Farsi, I can't concentrate on the subject, and its components and details. For example I can't even give you a clear opinion of mine about let's say for example, Iranian nuclear policies, or what we should or should not do, at the same time,  I talk in English (let's say think or write in English) and I'm almost a theorist (Not a terrorist!).

I have a family which I am not so sure if I'm happy or lucky or fortunate to be with! My feelings have become so weak that I can't specifically say if I love or hate someone or if I like or hate to do something, being somewhere like a party, a funeral, or any other thing.

Many times something not so special and very ordinary happens to me, and there becomes a desire inside me to make a scenario or story out of it, I should think a little so that one of such conditions come to my mind, but perhaps this is happening to me everyday, which I don't really like.

I look to one person sitting before a pc, typing, I imagine the person, giving a typed letter to someone (he/she) loves (with the typed text printed on the paper), or I imagine someone reading a newspaper, having an article that person has written! So it seems that I make a scenario out of everything!

Has this ever happen to you? That you have no feeling toward anyone, you want to be alone and at the same time you need to be surrounded by others? You want to watch others so closely and having a role in their lives while not having any responsibility about that or not being harmed?

This is because I spend too much of my time, in front of TV. I don't know if this is love, but I am used to watch TV movies, even if I have seen them before- although this doesn't work about Iranian movies which are rarely enjoy to watch-.

 Hay words, come to me! Let me shout so loudly that I can be calm!

What is this feeling that I have about life? I think that I am at the middle of no where (?) moving my hands and legs, touching nothing, flouting in a dream, Surrounded by some visitors, who watch me from beyond the glasses of an aquarium.

What would happen if I had written these lines in "Persian"? It would have not been as much honest as I think it is now.

We Iranians try to hide ourselves so that the others can't discover our personality, behavior, believes, religion, … which I think has not the same importance in other cultures and languages.

I many times wonder, why people argue, fight, kill, do works limiting others freedom, struggle for something which I think does not worth, I many times think that this world is not so valued to me, and at the same time, suddenly something happens which makes me defend from my rights, which I am not so sure if they are rights!

Perhaps I have so much doubt about many things, which a person should handle, maybe I have, but I can't come up with it!

I don't want to harm any one, but if I am angry with some one, I wish not to see (him/her). My head is mixed up with conflicts! Criteria, aim, responsibility, authority, potential, and such concepts make me feel uncomfortable.

Let me ask you something, how many times a day you are being asked some questions and you answer: I don't know!? Or how many times a day. You ask something and you are being answered with that short respond?! I many times answer I don't know, and many times don't ask, because I know others will answer me: I don't know! I think I miss some attention, which don't want to admit that I'd like to attract!

I don't know what made me come to such situation, losing feelings, missing aims, having no ideal life in mind to want to go to, making so many mistakes in other's opinions, losing self confidence, the ability to make others happy, be happy, be active, using mind in three to four aspects at the same time,.

Do I want to be happy? Yes!    Do I wish to do something to become happy? No…!   Do I have any desire?  I don't know! So why should I write these lines? So that I can attract some attention?! Do I want a cup of tea? No, I don't want to get used to anything, even tea! Do I spend my time doing some sports? No! Because it is time consuming!

Hay! My eyes are tired of typing! For God sake why couldn't I learn how to type in English with closed eyes?!

What is life? Is it a circle? Shall we come again to this world? Do parallel worlds exist? Do I like to make a science fiction movie or it is just a temporary fantasy like the others?

So many times, I battle with myself, The way that I ask something and I oppose with me like this for example:

I want money. Do I want money? What for? Do I have any needs? Do I have so many friends to spend money for? Do I need to waist my time with things related to this world?! Is this the aim?!

And opposite of that, I tell myself: I have never enjoyed my life! I know no work which makes me satisfied, which makes me proud of being human, I do no sports, I have no GF, I go no where, I have no friends, I don`t know how to spend my time, I am tired of life!

What made me eat this piece of cake? Just being hungry? Did it make me fresh?! Why do people become happy celebrating their birthdays, why It is not the same about me?!

Hay I just made a scenario, or let's say some.

1- Someone reads the text I have typed and types a comment for it.

2- It is being used against me in a court, even in the judgment day!

3- Someone reads it and changes (his/her) mind about me, even makes me to go to psychologist!